


Lollipops and Wyatt Earp

by kathkin



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Gen, silliness, space dorks in space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 11:44:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4959382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathkin/pseuds/kathkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jamie has toothache and a terrible attitude, the Doctor is sneaky, and Zoe probably shouldn't have worn her polka dot jumpsuit. Or, Jamie goes to the dentist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lollipops and Wyatt Earp

Zoe heard the Doctor and Jamie’s raised voices from two corridors away and doubled back to the food machine for coffee. This was going to be one of _those_ mornings. She could feel it in the air.

“Stop being such a baby,” the Doctor was saying as she approached the control room.

“Stop _pokin_ ’ at it!” Jamie snapped back, oddly muffled. The reason being, Zoe discovered as she stood in the doorway, that the Doctor had his fingers in Jamie’s mouth. “I’ll bite you.”

“Hmm.” The Doctor tugged his fingers out.

“You taste funny,” said Jamie. “Ow! Stop that.” He swatted the Doctor’s hand away from his jaw. “I’m _fine_.”

“Trouble?” Zoe sipped her coffee.

“Toothache,” said the Doctor.

“Again?”

“Same tooth.” The Doctor wiped his fingers on a spotted handkerchief.

Jamie, ever the optimist, said, “aye, and it’ll settle down in a few days. Like before.”

The Doctor shook his head woefully. “I really think we ought to find you a dentist.”

“Och, _no_ ,” said Jamie. “It’ll sort itself out. You’ll see.” Sidling up beside him, Zoe prodded his jaw. “Ow! Stop that!”

The Doctor was already setting the controls. “It’ll be over before you know it,” he said, tone soothing.

Jamie folded his arms. “Aye, it will, cause I’m no’ goin’.”

He could be so _stubborn_ when he put his mind to it. The Doctor and Zoe exchanged a glance. The Doctor jerked his head at her as if to say _be a dear and deal with him_ and adjusted the helmic regulator.

Really, what did he expect _her_ to do? She cast about for a suitable argument. “Look, Jamie,” she said, “I don’t know what dentistry was like in your century, but I’m sure the Doctor will take you somewhere civilised.”

“Oh, most definitely,” piped up the Doctor.

“I’m no’ goin’,” said Jamie flatly.

“We _really_ think you should,” said Zoe. 

“I dinnae care what you think.” And with that Zoe had exhausted her arguments. She gave up.

“I give up,” she said.

“Oh, grow up, Jamie,” snapped the Doctor. “You need medical help.”

“I don’t.”

“You do to.” With a _click_ the co-ordinates were set, though whether they were actually for somewhere with civilised dentists Zoe didn’t know. With their luck, they’d probably end up in the middle of some blasted wilderness at the far edge of the galaxy, light-years away from the nearest dentist. Well, at least Jamie would be happy.

“I dinnae care what you say. I’m no’ goin’.”

“You’re a big baby,” said Zoe.

“What, cause I dinnae want bits of metal stuck in me mouth?” said Jamie.

Either he didn’t know how civilised dentistry worked, or he knew only too well. Zoe couldn’t tell and so couldn’t muster an answer.

“Be reasonable, Jamie,” said the Doctor.

“I _am_ bein’ reasonable!” snapped Jamie. “You’re the one who’s no’ bein’ _reasonable_. Look, I’m no’ goin’ and you cannae make me and that’s final.”

He had a point, Zoe supposed. He was a big boy and if he wanted to let his tooth fester in his mouth that was his own business.

But somehow, even as the Doctor held up his hands in surrender and said, “oh, alright. If you say so,” she didn’t think he’d given in. “We shan’t go looking for a dentist,” he said, adjusting the controls. “We shall go somewhere else.”

Jamie shifted his stance. He didn’t look like he believed it either. “Well, that’s better,” he said, uneasy. “Where’re we goin’, then?”

“Oh, who knows,” said the Doctor brightly. He pulled the dematerialisation switch, and off they went.

“Coffee?” said Zoe sweetly over the sound of the TARDIS engines.

Jamie shot her a bitter look. “It makes me tooth hurt,” he confessed.

*

They landed on a street corner in what was, to Zoe’s eyes, a perfectly ordinary mid-twenty-first century town. Approximately twenty or thirty years before her time. The Doctor led them on a meandering but purposeful path, skirting around the main roads where cars hovered back and forth. It was obvious he knew where he was going, but whenever she or Jamie asked he insisted they were just, “having a wander, don’t you know.”

Eventually, he stopped outside a nondescript building and said, “let’s go in here, shall we?”

Zoe didn’t imagine Jamie had ever been in a modern dentist’s office before, but even he wasn’t stupid enough not to recognise it for what it was. Maybe the smell triggered something primal in him. Or maybe it was the pictures of teeth on the wall. Whatever it was, he took one look around himself, swung about-face, and made for the door.

The Doctor grabbed his right arm. Zoe grabbed his left. Together they frog-marched him towards the reception desk. “Let me _go_ ,” he said, dragging his heels. “You cannae make me!”

“I think you’ll find we can,” said the Doctor. “See? We’re making you.”

“There’s nothin’ _wrong_ with me teeth.” Jamie squirmed in their grip. “I’m _fine_.”

“Oh, hush.” The Doctor patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry. They have anaesthetic in this century.”

“I dinnae _want_ anaesthetic.”

“It’s just one little injection,” said Zoe soothingly.

“I hate needles,” he whined.

“I know you do,” she said.

Jamie resumed struggling. “Help!” he said to the bemused old lady in the waiting room. “Kidnap! Help!” He got his arms free and made a bid for freedom, racing towards the door. The Doctor dragged him back by the scruff of his shirt. “Let me _gooo_.”

The Doctor bundled him over to the reception desk and turned him about-face. “Hallo,” he said to the befuddled receptionist. “I have a patient for you.” He patted Jamie on the back.

“I’m no’ your patient,” said Jamie hotly. “There’s nothin’ wrong with me teeth. It’s a pack of lies.”

“Don’t listen to him,” said the Doctor. “I don’t suppose we could get him seen to today, could we?”

“I don’t need seein’ tae,” said Jamie. “ _You_ need seein’ tae.”

The receptionist stared at them, and stared at Zoe when she joined them at the desk. Maybe she ought to have worn something a bit more inconspicuous than her polka-dot jumpsuit. It wouldn’t be normal streetwear for a few decades yet.

“This is a bit irregular, you know,” said the receptionist.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry,” said the Doctor. “But it _is_ urgent. Are you sure you can’t squeeze him in?” He flashed her his most winning smile.

The receptionist let out a deep sigh of resignation. “I’ll see if anyone’s free,” she said. “Wait here.”

As she left, Jamie’s shoulders slumped in defeat. The Doctor loosened his grip, but didn’t let go. “This isnae fair, and I hate you.”

“Oh, hush,” said the Doctor. “Now, if I let go will you be a good lad and not run away?” Jamie nodded, sullen, but rather as Zoe expected as soon as the Doctor released him he tried to bolt.

The Doctor dragged him back and held him in place at the desk. “I’m sure it won’t take long,” he said. “And it won’t hurt.”

That last seemed to truly surprise Jamie. “Really? It won’t?” He looked at the Doctor, suspicious. “Is that a promise?”

“Oh, yes,” the Doctor reassured him. “It won’t hurt a bit, and you can have a lollipop afterwards.”

“Well,” said Jamie with deepest reluctance. “Alright, then.”

The receptionist came back and informed them that, as it happened, one of their dentists was free, and _could_ see Jamie. She emphasised the _could_ , but the Doctor remained oblivious to her lack of enthusiasm. He bundled Jamie into their care with an extortion to, “do just as the nice lady says, now,” and retreated to the comfortable seats of the waiting room.

Zoe plumped herself down on a chair beside him, bouncing slightly on the thick cushion. “I think that went rather well,” he said, tugging at his trousers legs. He grinned at the old lady, who was clutching her handbag and staring at him as if he was some sort of madman. “Don’t you think that went well, Zoe?”

“I think it could have gone worse,” said Zoe brightly.

From the treatment room they heard raised voices. Jamie had already found something to object to. “Do as the lady _says_ , Jamie!” the Doctor barked in the direction of the closed door, which settled matters.

“Actually,” said Zoe, “if it’s all the same to you, I’m going to wait in the bookshop on the corner.”

“Hmm? Oh, yes,” said the Doctor. “Yes, see you in half an hour or thereabouts.”

Zoe spent an enjoyable twenty-five minutes or so browsing the astrophysics textbooks, having a good chuckle and drawing stares from the other patrons before venturing back to the surgery. She was just in time to meet Jamie on his way out of the treatment room, rubbing his jaw and staring at the Doctor with an expression of utmost betrayal. _You promised_ , his eyes said. _How could you_.

Suppressing giggles, she said, “that bad?”

“I canth feel my thongue,” he said.

“I’m sorry?” Zoe cocked her head towards him.

“I thaid, I canth feel my thongue!”

“No use. You’ll have to speak up a bit.”

“I _thaid_ –” He cottoned on and elbowed her in the ribs. She burst into giggles. “Stop laughin’! I hate you both.”

“I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not,” said Zoe.

By the desk, the Doctor was shaking hands with the dentist. “Much obliged,” he said. “Thank-you.” He released her hand and wandered over to them. “Well? How are we?”

“Thore,” said Jamie. “M’mouth tastes horrible.

“Splendid.” The Doctor nudged his elbow, urging him towards the door. “Let’s get out of here,” he said, sotto voce. “I’m sensing paperwork in the near future.”

“Is m’mouth goin’ tae be like this forever?” said Jamie on the street outside, sounding a little dazed.

“Of course not,” said Zoe. “I’ll wear off in a week or so.”

“A _week_?”

“Oh, she’s just teasing,” said the Doctor. He patted Jamie’s shoulder. “It’ll only take a couple of days.”

Jamie made a horrified noise, sounding so utterly dismayed that Zoe relented. “It’ll be a few hours,” she said. “You’ll be all better by lunchtime.”

“Oh, speaking of.” The Doctor rooted through his pockets and brought out a lurid green lollipop, which he presented to Jamie. “Here. For being such a good boy.” Then he brought out an orange lollipop and handed it to Zoe.

“Hey, why does she get one?” said Jamie.

“For putting up with you,” said Zoe. She unwrapped it and crammed it into her mouth.

Jamie stared dismally at his lollipop, weighing up the pros and cons of attempting to eat it in his current condition. At length, he sighed and tucked it into his sporran. “I’ll save it for later.”

“Good thinking.” The Doctor squeezed Jamie’s shoulder. “It was for your own good, you know,” he said, suddenly all contrite.

“I know,” said Jamie miserably.

“And it wasn’t that bad, was it?”

Jamie grunted in a manner which suggested to Zoe that yes, actually, it _had_ been that bad.

“Oh, come now,” said the Doctor. “It could have been worse. Did I ever tell you about the time I got a tooth pulled in the Old West?”

Zoe blinked. That sounded like one of his made up stories to her, but she wasn’t about to complain.

“No,” said Jamie, brightening.

“Do tell,” said Zoe.

“Ah, now it’s a very exciting story,” said the Doctor. “So there we were, fresh out of the jaws of disaster – Steven and Dodo and I – you remember Dodo, Jamie.”

“No,” said Jamie flatly. Zoe pulled her lollipop out of her mouth and mouthed _who’s Dodo?_ He just shrugged.

“Yes, Dodo. Anyway, we’d just made a very clever escape, if I say so myself, when we landed in Tombstone – and who should we run into but Wyatt Earp himself…”


End file.
